without a doubt, today has been the best day of my year so far. excluding o level results day. for the first time in a long time, i was happy, and i was at home. amidst the frenzied screams and flurry of hugs that went around, i felt a sense of "this is it". the familiar smiles, the knowing nods, the assurance that my identity would never be mistaken, every one of these little things reassured me that come what come may, there's a haven somewhere along farrer road for me to lock myself in.
if i'm not wrong, there's a chinese saying that goes "sheng zai fu zhong bu zhi fu" or something along the lines of that. basically meaning that people tend to take things for granted, i realised the true essence of it while singing the school hymn. for four years i haven't realised how terribly blessed i was, sulking everytime we had to stand to sing the school song, and not being able to appreciate everything and everyone around me, thinking they'd always be there. obviously, it takes darkness to help us realise what light is. as i finally sang the school hymn(after four years of plain mouthing), i looked around, up at the "To God Be The Glory", winced when the microphone crackled, and let the melody of the hymn get thru my head, and tears welled up in my eyes (obviously you didn't get to see them).
when the occasion formally started, ie speeches started rolling, was when i got my double confirmation that nothing will ever change. nobody seemed to care that speech day was supposed to be prestigious, formal, and distinguished. everyone turned around in their seats, yakking nineteen to the dozen, paying little/no attention to how well the school has done in netball, or how we should always pursue our passions and not let pressure influence us. which is kind of what we were doing. paying no attention to the rules, or the "supposed-tos", just doing what we felt like doing. which strangely made me feel right at home, like this is how everything should be.
and running around taking photos after the occasion, i felt a tad inadequate rushing around with my camera, trying as much as possible to caputure as much memories of the four years that i missed as i could. it seemed no amount of memory space could cover enough to let me re-live my days in secondary school. it seemed every place had its story of ridiculous moments and stunts, the spontaneity of which the lens was unable to reflect.
and i wished with every bone in my body, when it was time to leave, that i wouldn't wake up from this dream, that i could stay here forever.
but i left. and the pain cuts more than ever, because as rachel puts it, this is the end of the end.
